Six Habits of Happily Married Couples
There are several habits
that have been practiced by couples over the years that has maintained
happiness in their marriages.
Today, I want to talk about 6 of them that have
put some magic into my marriage.
Reading about these
habits is the first step, but please note that success in marriage hinges on
consistent performance of these key habits.
Habit #1 – Give Each Other Pleasure
Happily married
couples are committed to the goal of giving each other pleasure. You must stay
focused on the ultimate goal – which is to give each other pleasure and not
cause pain. It sounds simple enough, but can be very hard in practice.
To monitor how you're
doing, each of you should make two lists: One for all the things your spouse
does to cause you pain, and another which identifies what you would like your
spouse to do to give you pleasure. Swap lists, and now you know exactly what to
do and what not to do. No more mind reading!
Habit #2 – Create
Mutually Satisfying Love and Friendship Rituals
Rituals are habits
that build and strengthen a relationship. One couple had the following
"greeting ritual" at night when the husband came home:
He would first greet
the dog and hug the kids. Then he would go into his bedroom, change his
clothes, and watch the news, followed by a visit to the bathroom. Finally he
would wander into the kitchen and mutter something to his wife, for example,
"Let’s eat fast so we can get to the PTA meeting!"
One might say that
such a ritual was not exactly increasing their love for each other.
So after watching how
their dog greeted them every time they came home, this couple decided to come
up with a new ritual. So they decided to greet each other like dogs. They
started jumping up and down and hugging each other. They really got into it.
They had fun and the kids got a kick out of it, too.
Our actions affect
the way we feel. How are your greeting and good-bye rituals?
Here are some rituals
you and your spouse should consider working on:
• Daily e-mailing
each other with a compliment.
• Daily phone call.
(especially important for husbands to do)
• Anniversaries
deserve special attention. Plan to do something both of you really enjoy,
rather than feeling stuck two days before your anniversary arrives and then
running out to get some flowers.
• Before you turn in
for the night, try saying two compliments to each other. This means coming up
with something new each night!
• It is essential to
have a "date night" at least every other week.
So have fun and
create more rituals to lives up your relationship. I adopted the “dog kinda
greeting” earlier on in our marriage and my husband has told me a couple of
times that he looks forward to coming home ‘cos of this.
Habit #3 – Create a
Safe Place to Discuss Issues Openly and Honestly
Abusive relationships
are ones in which you are afraid to express feelings and opinions. Happily
married couples create a sense of safety that allows each person to feel
comfortable expressing his/her feelings, problems, and dissatisfactions. This
sense of safety is the foundation upon which a couple negotiates things that
are bothering them.
It's common for each
person to come into a relationship with certain expectations about how things
will be. But without the ability to communicate and negotiate, these issues
become sources for power struggles that almost always damage the relationship.
I recently introduced
this habit in my marriage and it works like magic. Now my husband really sees
me as his friend and is able to open up and tell me a lot of things that has
helped improve our marriage and increase the level of trust we have for each
other.
Habit #4 – Use Good
Communication Skills to Resolve Hot Issues
The technique that
every couple must learn is called the "listener-speaker technique."
The problem with the way most couples argue is that they try to find solutions
before fully giving each other the chance to say what they need to say. The
speaker-listener technique ensures that before you can engage in solution talk,
each person feels they have been fully heard.
Here's how it works:
One person holds an object in their hand which symbolizes that he or she has
the floor. While one person has the floor, the other person can only listen by
repeating back or paraphrasing what the other person said. The listener can
stop the speaker if s/he is saying too much for the listener to repeat back.
When couples use this
technique, it automatically ensures that each person will be able to say
everything s/he needs to say without interruption, rebuttals, criticism or
attack. Only after each person has been fully "heard," do you then
proceed to problem solving.
Habit #5 – Constantly
Turn Toward Each Other, Rather Than Away
When you pass your
spouse sitting at her desk doing some work, do you stop and rub her shoulders,
give him a kiss on the cheek, and whisper something nice in his ear – or do you
just walk on by ? This is the meaning of "turning toward" as opposed
to "turning away."
Marriage research
shows that happily married couples do a lot of turning toward each other whenever
they get the chance. They look for ways to be physically and emotionally close
to each other. Turning toward each other means making each other your number
one priority.
Another important
aspect of turning toward each other is doing things together that you both
enjoy. Taking walks together, drinking coffee together after dinner, learning a
new skill together, and listening to music together, are all examples of how
couples turn toward each other.
A powerful way to
turn toward each other is to show the ultimate respect – by standing when your
spouse enters the room. Sounds old-fashioned? It is. But it's a powerful way to
turn toward your spouse, make him/her feel very special.
Couples who
"turn away" from each other don't develop closeness. It's a basic principle,
"A good deed begets another good deed. A bad deed begets another bad
deed."
I and my husband always
tease each other at every possible chance we get and trust me, it’s fun!!!
Habit #6 – Infuse
Your Lives With Shared Meaning
I often ask singles the
following question: "After you're married, what do you plan to do for the
next 40 years?" And I usually follow-up by saying, "And besides
having fun, what else will you do with each other?"
Human beings need
meaning like we need water. Happily married couples enrich their relationship
by sharing meaningful experiences with each other. The ultimate in meaning is
to share a common philosophy of life and life purpose. This is why couples who
observe Shabbat together, and learn Torah together, have great sources of
meaning built into their lives.
Some other specific
ways of infusing your relationship with meaning are visiting the sick together,
making a shiva call together, or preparing a meal together for a mother who
just gave birth.
When couples share
truly meaningful experiences, they bond on a deeper level.
These six habits may
seem small, but when practiced consciously and consistently, they will form the
backbone of a deeply fulfilling marriage.
Keep the comments
coming friends
Love always.
Tamie !
No comments:
Post a Comment